Welp, Looks Like I’m Spinning My Wheels At The End of The World Again by Brian Polk

Welp, Looks Like I’m Spinning My Wheels At The End of The World Again
By Brian Polk
Art by Jason White
Published Issue 146, February 2026

I Threaten To Quit My Job About As Often As I Threaten To Quit Drinking, But As Long As I Keep Doing One, I’ll Definitely Have To Keep Doing The Other

I mean sure, I could quit drinking, but I would still have to go to work — and working is the main reason I drink. I could also quit working, but then I wouldn’t have as much motivation to drink, nor would I have the money. So here I am. Really, when I say I am going to quit one or the other, it’s more of a declaration that I am sick of the lifestyle that I fell into a couple of decades ago and wish I could do something else. But my creditors still demand payment and the customers are still mean, so yeah, anyone want to meet at the bar later? Of course, it goes without saying that I can’t stay too late, because I do have to work in the morning.

I Can’t Wait For The Body Heat That This Chair Is Retaining From The Previous Sitter To Stop Making Me Uncomfortable

Whenever I immediately sit on a chair that someone else had been occupying for a while, I am intently aware of the residual heat created by the ass that just vacated the seat. For a good half a minute, I know I am not the one who generated the toastieness currently beneath my own posterior. It’s an alien warmth that troubles me a bit. How clean was the pair of buttocks that were here right before mine? I ask myself. And if their rear wasn’t clean, can germs crawl down through the fabric of their pants and up through the fabric of mine? If so, how much trouble am I really in here? Eventually, I stop torturing myself (with uncomfortable questions that I could probably easily google), because that’s when the heat beneath my seat becomes more familiar and I can begin to claim it as my own.

I Occasionally Read Reviews Of Luxury Travel Options Just In Case My Job Surprises Me With A $189-An-Hour Raise

Sometimes I will succumb to clickbait and read articles with titles like, “Inside the new luxury sleeper that’s about to take Europe by storm.” Or, “Tips for getting the most out of your first class flight to Japan.” Or, “If I make my butler fly coach, will he still be able to tend to my needs mid-flight?” And I always think, I could see myself really enjoying these fine accommodations. This is in spite of the fact that unless I get a six-figure raise at my dead-end civil service job (or a band like Green Day gets in touch with me for touring opportunities), I shan’t be traveling the world in opulence any time soon. I suppose my interest in the subject of luxury travel represents some sort of mental escapism, but I often come away from these articles with a sense of embitterment and a newfound interest in starting the class war. And that simply can’t be good for my well-being.

PSA: If You Start Dating Someone Who Is Fluent In Text Shorthand, Be Prepared To Start Googling A Lot Of Abbreviations

I get a lot of texts from my new girlfriend, and I have no idea what they’re saying. So I have spent a lot of time Googling things like, “TTYL” and “TTB.” We’re only a few years apart (don’t worry, I’m not one of those guys), but I must admit, I am definitely not up-to-date in texting etiquette. Also, you should know that it’s definitely not cool to come up with your own, unsanctioned text shorthand. For example, I once sent her the initials, “BNWTL.” And she responded with, “?” Then I sent, “That means, ‘Busy Now, Will Text Later.’” And she sent back, “Please don’t do that.” So yeah, to all my fellow olds out there: sometimes you have to stay in your lane and use Google to your advantage.

I Have Six Travel Mugs And They Are All Currently In My Car

I had the perfect plan — to obtain a reusable travel mug so I would stop bringing regular coffee cups to work (where they are routinely absorbed into the office collection). Well that didn’t pan out the way I wanted it to. I procured the first one, but I always left it in my car. So I figured I would buy two so I could keep one in the car and then bring the other one in. They both stayed in my car, of course. I would have ended it there, but I got two more travel mugs for Christmas, stole one from the lost and found at work, and bought this one that had a cool skull on it from the thrift store for $2. As of this moment, they are all littered about my car in an unwashed state. And if you’re wondering, I still bring regular coffee cups to work (where they end up in the communal employee cabinet). I am not good at being an adult. 

Check out Brian’s last Birdy install, What I’ve Learned From The Fine People of TV, and Jason White’s art for Zoe Marzo’s, Feeding Your Demon, Or From Hell To Taco Bell,  head to our Explore section to see more of these creatives’ past work.