Existential Queries, Mushrooms, Tangerines, And Celebrating Life For The First Time In A Long Time
By Brian Polk | Art by Josh Keyes
Published Issue 139, July 2025
Last Year, When My Life Was Falling Apart, My Friends Let Me Talk For Hours About My Problems. Now That Things Are Going Really Well In My Life, No One Wants To Hear About That Shit.
When the wheels went flying off of my life last year, my friends were great. They all showed up for me and supported me through the worst of it. Now that I’m on the other side of hell, smiling more, and not hating life, my friends openly resent me for it. But I get it. To tell you the truth, I think it’s funny, and I can totally relate. If the Brian of today told the Brian of last year about how happy I am now, Last Year Brian would have scowled in contempt and told me to shut the hell up. So while I understand that no one wants to hear about how I actually love waking up in the morning these days, I will say that not hating life is so much better. I mean, oh my god, it’s just so cool. (I’ll see myself out now, thank you.)
Are These Mushrooms Working?
I’m trying to figure out if all the mushrooms I just took are starting to kick in or not. I kind of need to know how they’re going to hit before I take anymore. It’s like my first drug dealer told me in the ‘90s, “You can always take more. You can never take less.” But I also want to be tripping right now, so if I need to take more, I want to take them soon … Wait, this music sounds better than usual, like more colorful and aerodynamic. Okay, that’s definitely the mushrooms talking. But I don’t have the body high … Alright, there’s something. Yes, there it is. Oh my god, that’s a lot. It’s hitting in waves and the waves are getting bigger. Damn it. Okay, so now I guess I’m wondering if these mushrooms are working too well …
Is Acting Kindly A Symptom Of My Pathological Need To Be Liked By Everyone, Or Am I Overthinking Things Again?
I spend a lot of time engaged in the following activities: (1) trying to be as kind to everyone as possible. And (2) wondering if my eagerness to be empathetic and friendly is a manifestation of the fact that I have a genuine fear of ostracism and disapproval? And if it is true that I am acting out of self-interest, does it even matter if I am being kind for all the wrong reasons? Isn’t being a good person all that matters? In all fairness to myself, I don’t think I have a pathological need to be liked by everyone, because I disappoint people all the time. Does that make me a disappointment? Probably. Do my thoughts run rampant through my head, making my inner-monologue an unrelenting hellscape where the only reprieve I get is when I get drunk? The answer to that question is most definitely. I have problems.
In The Spirit Of Overthinking, Is Cultivating Self-worth Really Just A One-way Street To Narcissism, Or Should I Stop Using My Own Self-doubt As A Cudgel With Which I Use To Metaphorically Bludgeon Myself In Order To Impede Progress And Limit The Success Of My Own Self Journey?
Alright, that’s enough of that. Anyone want to get a drink?
Well Shit, This Tangerine Is Bad
The tangerine I brought for lunch looked fine from the outside. I had no reason to doubt its deliciousness. Even as I peeled it, the aroma of fresh citrus instantly transported me on a wonderful olfactory journey. But once I began to separate the fruit into manageable bite-sized slices, I noticed it looked a little dry. Then when I bit into it, I had the horrible realization that this was one bad tangerine. And that’s a shame, because I was really looking forward to eating it. But, you know, sometimes you have to cut your losses. Hopefully the apple I brought redeems this whole tangerine debacle, because I don’t think I have the energy to endure two fruit failures in one day.
Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, author and drummer for Joy Subtraction and Simulators. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.
Inspired by 18th-century aesthetics and philosophy, Portland-based ecosurrealist Josh Keyes paints animals in a style reminiscent of anatomical diagrams. His work is characterized by an attention to detail and to physiological accuracy. Josh, however, does not place his animal subjects in their natural settings; rather, they are often in peril, displaced from their natural ecosystems into dioramic fantastical situations. These landscapes are frequently isolated and contain an incompatible mix of the natural and manmade. Josh acknowledges that themes of migration and displacement frequently feature into his work as a form of his preoccupation with global climate change and the human impact on nature. See more of his work on Instagram | Snag prints of his work on American Easel
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