Forcing My Ape Mind To Try To Make Sense Of The Unknowable by Brian Polk

Forcing My Ape Mind To Try To Make Sense Of The Unknowable
By Brian Polk 
Published Issue 140, August 2025

I’m Not Sure How Long I’m Supposed To Wait After Sexting With My Partner To Send Her A Text About Picking Up Some Garlic Powder From The Store

I mean, the last sext was sent at 5:43 p.m., and it is now 6:17 p.m. Don’t get me wrong, the sexting was hot, but everything good has to end, right? It’s just weird to see a text about how I want to go down on my partner for three hours straight right above one that says, “Hey babe, need some garlic powder for the stir fry. Could you pick me up some on your way home?” But the garlic powder really is a key ingredient, so I need to get this information to her.

Maybe I should come up with a segue text? But even if I did, what would that look like? I could quote Monty Python, “And now for something completely different …” Or I could say, “That was hot, but like, I’m making dinner now and kind of need your help with something …” Well, maybe not that last one.

Shit, now that I think about it, too much time has lapsed to even reference that last sext at all, so maybe I’m overthinking this. Besides, even if I don’t send this particular text about a much-needed kitchen staple, I’m eventually going to have to send another one that isn’t related to sex. It might as well be about garlic powder, right? Hmm. I suppose I could just call, but I don’t want her to think there’s an emergency or anything. Jesus, I’m way too old for this.

I Decided The Next Band I Start Should Be Really Popular And Make A Lot Of Money

For the last 30 years or so, I have been playing in bands that never find an audience. So I had this idea to recruit musicians who can help write songs that other people — and not just friends and family — might actually like. I figured then we could inspire people to listen to us, see our shows, and buy our merch. That way, I could make some money, and I wouldn’t have to work full-time or even work a day job at all! I could just play music and have that be my job. I wonder why I’m just now thinking of this. 

The Best Way To Answer The Question, “Am I Sick Or Is It Allergies?” Is To Go Out Partying

The second you wake up the next morning, you will have your answer.

After Avoiding Apple Cinnamon Cheerios Ever Since I Threw Up Several Bowls-Full Back In 1989, I Have Decided Maybe It’s Time To Give Them Another Chance

I have avoided this particular cereal ever since that fateful day in the ‘80s when the three bowls of milk and apple-cinnamon flavored multi-grained O-shapes didn’t quite make it through the digestion process. The third grade me was so upset by the experience that I haven’t had a solitary spoonful ever since.

Upon intense introspection, I think it might be high time I revisit the cereal, since I do remember enjoying it immensely before “the incident.” I should probably also try Crystal Pepsi once again, because I used to love it as well, and I haven’t had so much as a sip since 1994.

I Feel Like We Haven’t Had A Good Conversation In A Long Time

So you’ve been reading my column for years now, and I’ve been trying to write content that I think you would like. And it’s just like, I don’t know … I feel like we haven’t really connected with each other in months.

You used to say such nice things about me. And I remember how much I used to appreciate you. But so much time has passed, and we don’t connect like we used to. It’s like the fire’s gone, baby. And I really feel like we should stop taking each other for granted and start reminding each other why our relationship was so special to begin with. What do you say? (Please send your response to: birdy@birdymagazine.com)

“Why Don’t You Make Like An Ice Officer And Hide Your Face In Shame”

I’ve been saying this every time someone makes a bad joke or something. Feel free to use it.

Check out Brian’s last install, Existential Queries, Mushrooms, Tangerines And More, or head to our Explore section to see more work by these talented creatives.