A New Dog And No Money: My Life In A Few Short Stories
By Brian Polk
Art by Eric Joyner
Published Issue 147, March 2026
Alright, Which One Of You All Hasn’t Seen Pictures Of My New Dog?
Tom, Amelia, Tucker, Sammy and Harper, I know you all have seen pictures of my new dog. But Owen, Suzie, Carmen and Danny, you haven’t, so gather around the warming glow of my phone and tell me how cute my dog is. His name is Beaux and he’s an angel from heaven. Here he is collecting sticks, just like almost every other dog. Here he is sleeping, also just like every other dog. In fact, I’m sure all of you will find most of these photos unremarkable, because I am a proud father and you are not. But that doesn’t mean you get to skip this little photo-share session, so here’s another one of him walking, just like every other dog. Go ahead and say, “Aww.” Thank you. Here’s another one of him sleeping on a different surface in my house …
Most Of The Time I Snooze And Win
I know the saying about snoozing and losing is quite popular. But I have a bone to pick with it. Most of the time when I get a good snooze in, I feel like I’ve won something. I will go through the day with a triumphant swagger, and people will stop me and say, “Brian, did you win or something? Because you look great!” And I’ll say, “I snoozed pretty good last night, so yes, I did win!” On the flip side, if I don’t snooze, I most definitely feel like I lost. That’s when people say, “Brian, you look like shit. What are you a loser or something?” And I reply, “I didn’t sleep much last night, so yes, I am one big loser!” The more I think about it, the more I really take umbrage with this expression. One of these days (when I’m well snoozed and have the energy, of course), I’m going to give the people down at the idiom factory a real piece of my mind.
Thanks To Drunken Optimism, I Start New Bands Very Frequently
I have to stop going out to drink with my fellow musicians, because every time I do, I end up in a new music project. When the booze flows, so does the level of dopamine in our brains — so when we imbibe, we get extremely optimistic about how much time we actually have. And we don’t stop to think that shoehorning another band into our busy schedules may not bring us the amount of fun and joy that our drunk brains are convinced it will. So yeah, many bands have been started on bar stools by people who don’t have the time or energy to follow through. Of course, it’s not like it matters, since most of the time we all forget about our cool new bands by the next morning.
If It Costs Money, I’m Afraid I Shan’t Be In Attendance
Sure, I chose to be a civil servant. And yes, I did just go through a life event that effectively tripled my monthly expenses. And I will go ahead and admit I appeared on this earth when the old world order is collapsing around me and working stiffs like me just can’t get ahead. So yeah, I brought a lot of these money issues on myself. I suppose what I’m saying is, if your dog show / horse and pony show / showtunes listening party / fireworks show / game show / agricultural show / shit show / etc. costs money, you definitely won’t see me there.
Oh Hey, New Person, Welcome To The Conversation! Check Out These Pictures Of My New Dog!
Tom, Amelia, Tucker, Sammy, Harper, Owen, Suzie, Carmen and Danny have all seen photos of Beaux, so now it’s your turn. Here’s one of him collecting sticks …
Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, author and drummer for Elegant Everyone and Joy Subtraction. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.
Eric Joyner is a San Francisco-based artist who specializes in robots and donuts. Learn more about Eric and see more of his work on his siteand on Instagram.
Check out Brian’s last Birdy install, Welp, Looks Like I’m Spinning My Wheels At The End of The World Again, and Eric’s, Dragon, in Issue 143, or head to our Explore section to see more of these creatives’ past work.