A Window Into A Semi-eventful Life In Seven Easy Steps by Brian Polk | Art by Jason White

A Window Into A Semi-eventful Life In Seven Easy Steps
By Brian Polk
Art by Jason White
Published Issue 120, December 2023

I Lost Five Hours Of Sleep Thinking About What To Write For An Opening In My Column This Month, And I Still Didn’t Come Up With Shit

As a reader of this here magazine, I hope you’re fucking happy!

My Recent Flight Experience Didn’t Do Much To Improve My Opinion Of Airlines With “Open Seating” Policies

Ordinarly, I am a tad too anxious to be able to fly across the country without any foreknowledge of where my seat on the airplane is supposed to be. But once I realized that even my friends with severe anxiety can handle it, I decided to give it a shot. Well, on my trip back from New York, I found an aisle seat (huzzah!). Shortly after, another passenger claimed the window. And then for a few sweet, fleeting moments I thought no one would claim the middle. But then this guy who barely made it on before they shut the cabin door, walked slowly towards our seat cluster, pointed at me and said, “I will sit here.” Thinking he meant, “I will take the middle,” I began to stand up so he could sit down. “Hurry up out of my seat,” he said as I stood, which confused the hell out of me. Then the flight attendant walked over to him and said, “You have to sit in the middle, sir. That’s his seat.” That’s when I realized when he said he will sit here, he meant the seat I was already fucking sitting in. He thought that “open seating” meant he could sit wherever the hell he damn well pleased. I may have smirked a bit as he grunted and exaggeratedly struggled to where he would sit for the flight. Once he got situated, he stared at me with the anger of a million Karens, which was super fun, because it wasn’t like his mean old face was that far away from me. All I thought was, Tough shit, buddy, and then I put my headphones on and didn’t give it another thought. But the whole ordeal made me realize I sure do miss assigned seating. 

My Last Bout With Covid Made Me Realize How Much Progress I’m Making In My Journey As A Human On This Planet

The reason I was in New York is because my band played a show that went really well. This is most likely where I got Covid. In the past, I would have let this diagnosis ruin the trip by uttering self-pitying phrases like, “This is what I get for having fun.” Or, “Why can’t I just do something enjoyable once in a while without having to pay such a steep price?” But I didn’t say those things. I just shrugged and didn’t let a shitty 10-day sickness get in the way of something cool that I got to do. I think this means I finally overcame the guilt-ridden shackles of my Catholic upbringing. (Well maybe not fully, but I am mature enough to appreciate any kind of progress on this front.)

My Iphone Is Kind Of A Jerk

After getting Covid, the Health app on my phone sent the following notification: “There’s been a change in your average steps per day.” Well yeah, no shit, Health application. It’s kind of important to rest when you’re sick. You would think an app called “Health” would be a bit more understanding of my actual health. Who do I talk to about this? 

Now That We’ve Entered The Holiday Season, I Just Want To Say, I’ll Sober Up When It Ends

And make no mistake, I’m not drinking because I’m having a good time. 

Here Are A Few Situations Where It Does Not Pay To Have A Good Imagination:

1. If you’re particularly jealous in relationships and your new lover sends the following two texts at 3 a.m. while you were sleeping: (A) “I’m here with Pork Chop, the thing, and the booze. My arm is getting tired. Where are you?” And 20 seconds later: (B) “Sorry, sweetums. Wrong number.”
2. When you’re in the children’s section at a department store or library and you put your hand in something wet and/or sticky. (I suppose this situation would apply if you were at a porn shop as well.) 
3. A gelatinous blob the color of a regurgitated brown leaf shows up on your Doc Martens while you are out walking and you have no clue how something like that could get there. (This one happened to me.)
4. You have a pain in your side and access to Google. After 20 minutes, you’ll begin to wonder how the hell you’re still alive. 
5. You’re eating french fries and all of a sudden it tastes like melted plastic for a few bites. The best part is when you start to realize this, you dramatically slow down your chewing and your face registers a look of deep, disturbed concentration. 
6. It’s been a busy six months and a recent test result has you wondering when, where, and with whom your STI first began to flourish in your loins. 

When The Equation Of Dying-To-Living Starts To Get Out Of Whack, It’s Time To Start Having Some Fun

And the thing I consider fun is natural fun. So if you know me, get in touch and let’s have some. 

Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, publisher of The Yellow Rake, and drummer for Joy Subtraction and Simulators. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.

Jason White is an artist living in the suburbs of Chicago. His favorite mediums are oil on canvas and pencil & ink drawings. When he was a kid he cried on the Bozo Show. His work varies from silly to serious and sometimes both. Check out more of his work on Instagram.

Check out Brian’s November Issue install, Joining Cults, Drinking Too Much & Other Things To Do While You’re Bored, Jason’s Index art and feature piece, or head to our Explore section to see more of their work.