Have You Read Your Communiqué Today?
By Brian Polk
Published Issue 112, April 2023
Pretending Like You’re Working Is Almost As Hard As Actual Working, But It’s Still Worth The Effort
Bosses are always trying to get the most productivity out of their workers for the least amount of money. And since most relationships in business are transactional, it makes sense that as a worker, I am always trying to do the least amount of work for the most amount of money. So for example, if I work really hard and never get a raise, I am threatening the very balance on which late-stage capitalism is precariously perched. Therefore, it is my right — nay duty! — not to work very hard at all times in order to preserve the American way of life. That’s why when I’m at my day job, I give Oscar-worthy performances of a character who toils arduously with no expectation of additional financial compensation (even though I really just play hours and hours of Tetris while I’m on the clock). I’m living proof that the American Dream works for the less ambitious as well.
Have You Ever Been Booed In Bed?
Luckily, I have not, but I bet it would be pretty humiliating. Sexual congress can be a high stress situation and if you have ever been booed at any point during your romantic history, it would take a long time to claw your way back to a mental state of confidence in the sack. On the other hand, if you were the one doing the booing, it could save everyone a lot of time. Imagine the power you would have! Not only could you end a sexual encounter in seconds, you would essentially avoid awkward post-coital conversation, and you would ensure that the person who disappointed you in bed would never get the opportunity to do so again. Hell, they would never even look you in the eye again. All I’m saying is, think about it. Maybe it could help you out of a jam one day.
I Bet Elon Musk Has Been Booed In Bed
There’s no way it hasn’t happened. Also, I’m pretty sure both Morrissey and Henry Rollins have booed everyone they’ve ever slept with. And I’m almost certain that both Tucker Carlson and Ben Shapiro boo themselves during coitus in their shrill, weaselly voices — and I bet those are some of the worst sounds ever emitted in this planet’s history.
I Used To Dream Of Opening My Own Vegan Punk Bar One Day, Now I Just Dream Of Becoming The Weird Guy On My Block Who Always Dresses In Black And Has A Bunch Of Dogs
It’s strange how dreams change over the years, isn’t it? Once upon a time, I would fantasize about how cool it would be to have my own bar/restaurant/venue. I could make deep-fried vegan food for a cheapish price, serve $3 beers and play good music all day long. But over the years I’ve seen friends and family members work 60+ hour weeks trying to keep their businesses above water, and now I don’t want to do that anymore. Running a business like that isn’t a career choice, it’s a lifestyle. So now I want to retire early, adopt a bunch of dogs, and sit on my back porch while drinking mid-shelf vodka and listening to SNFU on a bluetooth speaker. It may not be as ambitious, but it’s definitely much more feasible and desirable. (This is dedicated to all my friends who still own and operate businesses.)
How Many Books I Read In A Year, How Much Booze I Drink In A Week, How Often I Exercise, And Other Things I Lie To Strangers About For No Reason
When I stop and think about it, I’m often amazed at how often I lie about my life. I’m also astonished about who I lie to. Most of the time, they’re complete randos. It begs the question: What the fuck? Why do I feel the need to lie to people I don’t know about things that don’t matter? I suppose these are questions most people ask their therapists. Though I have to say, nothing much would change in my life if I were to stop this practice. I suppose I would feel better about myself, but the people I routinely lie to wouldn’t know the difference. And it’s not like they would care anyway. So you know what? I’m just going to keep doing it. (Thanks for sticking with me as I worked through this.)
I Learned What IDGAF Means In Text-Speak And Now It’s How I Respond To All My Incoming Texts
You know the old adage: “You can’t teach a dog new tricks”? That’s not always true. The other day, I learned that “IDGAF” means “I Don’t Give A Fuck,” and now that’s how I respond to any and all texts. I think some of my friends are exasperated by my new habit, but they just need to GOI. Of course, these days, I don’t think I need to capitalize texting initials, but, you know, one new thing at a time here. Also, we should change the adage I discussed earlier to: “You shouldn’t teach an old dog a new trick if indeed that trick will soon wear thin and annoy the shit out of the rest of us.” Who do we talk to about that?
Would You Still Like Me If I Got “The Final Countdown” Stuck In Your Head?
Now that I did that thing, I’m curious to know your thoughts about me. Send them to: email@example.com.
Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, publisher of The Yellow Rake, and drummer for Joy Subtraction and Simulators. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.
Check out Brian’s March Birdy install, BuzzFeed Ifs … or head to our Explore section to see more of his work.