Just Like The Rest Of Us, I Forget All My Good Ideas
By Brian Polk
Published Issue 125, May 2024
One Time Six Of My Friends Went To Play Soccer But We Were All So Out Of Shape, Everyone Just Started Playing Goalie
I don’t know if you’ve seen an “all goalies” version of soccer, but it’s even more boring than regular soccer. This is especially true if the ball lands in the middle of the field and all six goalies are too out of breath to go get it. For most of the game, it was both teams yelling at each other from either end of the field, “It’s your turn to get the ball!” And, “Fuck that, we got it last time.” I’m pretty sure after about 10 minutes of this, we went to the bar and watched soccer on their TV. I would say, “At least we tried,” but we really didn’t.
I’m Shocked That My Old Neighbors Never Filed A Noise Complaint Against The Thunder
When I lived in the Cheesman Park neighborhood a decade or so ago, my old neighbors would call the police on us like it was their hobby. I remember one time my friend and I were sharing a six-pack on our porch, quietly engaged in discussion when a cop car rolled up a few minutes after 10 p.m. “We received a noise complaint,” they told us. “Are you having a party?” When we explained to them that it was just the two of us, they were as flummoxed as we were. But before they left, they said, “Well, we have to respond whenever we get a complaint, so it’s in your best interest to keep it down.” The question I have to ask is, What do my old neighbors do when it thunders at night? The noise must destroy them. And they have absolutely no recourse. They can’t call the police or whine about it on Nextdoor or Facebook. They must just cry and ruminate on how unfair nature is to their delicate existence on this planet. Also, who moves to a major metropolis for peace and quiet? People, amiright?
When I Was In New York City, I Displayed My ID In Every Bar I Went To, And They All Laughed At Me
To my credit, I have friends that manage bars in Denver, and the city is really strict on enforcement. So I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt and just show my ID, even when no one asks to see one. In my experience, almost everyone appreciates this, since it takes the onus off of them to enforce the drinking laws. The New York City government must not focus all that much on enforcement of such laws. I know this because every time I showed them my driver’s license, they chuckled, pushed my ID back across the bar, and said, “Yeah, man. We know you’re of age.” Which is a nice way of saying, “Don’t even try to kid yourself, you old-lookin’ fuck.”
It’s All Downhill From Here — But Not In A Fun Rollercoaster Kind Of Way, More Like A Rock Climbing And The Rope Snapped Kind Of Way
While I don’t mean to add to anyone’s existential dread, I did want to clarify what “It’s all downhill from here” means in today’s context. Because sometimes people want to know the true nature of the environment they’re living in, and I don’t want to lie to them. Occasionally my friends and acquaintances will say things like, “Enjoy the ride,” when they should be saying, “Enjoy the fall.” I know this is all semantics, but I’m really passionate about these kinds of things.
Does Anyone Else’s Seasonal Allergies Feel Like A Really Terrible Disease Has Afflicted Their Body And Caused Untold Amounts Of Suffering?
I’m allergic to pollen, and I break out into literal three-minute long sneeze fests several times a week during the growing season. I really just want to sit my mind and body down and say, “Look, you’re overreacting here. It’s just pollen. It’s not going to hurt us, I promise. I know several people whose bodies do not make them feel like they’re gravely ill every time they breathe in the summer air, and guess what? They’re fine. YOU DON’T NEED TO DO THIS! You’re being dramatic.” Alas, my mind and body do not listen, which is kind of weird, since my brain is the very one that’s trying to tell myself to knock it off. Being alive is so fucking strange.
Several Years Ago, I Found Myself Vulnerable and Bitter At One In The Morning, But Instead Of Texting My Ex, I Watched Seinfeld Reruns And Eventually Fell Asleep
When I awoke the next day, I was relieved I didn’t have to read any embarrassing text messages I had sent at one the previous morning. When I relayed this story to one of my friends, he told me if you’re ever depressed and desperate to never make any decisions or send any messages at night. Always wait until at least noon the next day to see if you still feel as frantic, bitter and vulnerable as you did the night before. If you do, go ahead and let those f-bomb-ridden accusatory texts fly! (Because fuck ‘em, that’s why!) But most of the time, you’ll come to your senses, your communication and decision-making abilities will recover and you’ll be much more level-headed. Since this wisdom has helped me at some really low points of my life, I relay it on to you. It’s a real life-saver.
Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, publisher of The Yellow Rake, and drummer for Joy Subtraction and Simulators. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.
Brianna Corn is an ambitious graphic designer, art director, type designer, photographer, web designer and a plant mom. Working as a designer and art director, she has had the chance to take a deep dive into all facets of the creative process and the daily runnings of a small studio. Over the course of her career, she’s picked up a few skills including project management, communicating with clients and team members, copywriting (sometimes by accident), team leadership, brand strategy, campaign direction, collaborating with other designers and creators, building brands from the bottom up, art directing shoots and photographing them. See more of work on her site and on Instagram.
Check out Brian’s April issue install, Is It Just Me, Or Do You Ever Think About Things Like Licorice, Dying, World Domination, Beyond Both Bed & Bath And World Domination (Again)?, and more of Brianna’s last piece, Skull Chug, or head to our Explore section to see more of their work.