I Forgot What I Was Going To Say, So I Came Up With Something Else
By Brian Polk
Published Issue 116, August 2023
The Last Time I Cut My Finger, My First Thought Was To Use The Blood To Write A Note That Just Said, “YOU!” And Save It In A Folder In Case I Needed To Send It To Someone At Some Point
My second thought was, What the fuck is wrong with me?
I Wonder If Any Couples Have Broken Up Due To Irreconcilable Differences In TikTok Video Preferences
I think everyone has had the experience of a friend or coworker insisting you watch a social media video so you can laugh in their presence. They hold their phone up to your eyeballs and await your response with that goofy look of anticipation on their face. But all you can muster is a halfhearted smile as you say something like, “Yep, that sure is funny.” Now imagine if your significant other was always making you watch unfunny videos in this manner. At some point you would have to sit them down and say, “Look honey (or sweet boobs, sugar balls, non-binary love bestie or whatever you call your indulging love bun), I love you and all, but there’s simply no way I can stay together with someone who finds this shit funny.” It’s kind of like that time I broke up with a lover because they didn’t think Naked Gun was in any way humorous. (How could I be with someone like that?) I bet these things happen more often than we might assume.
As I Used The Hose To Clean The Vomit Off Of My Friend’s Driveway The Last Time I Was Partying In LA, I Marveled At How Far That Water Had To Travel Just To Carry My Stomach Rejects Away From The House
If it was Colorado River water, it may have flowed over 1,400 miles. That’s a hell of a trip to wash a stomach full of vodka and curly fries off of an LA-area driveway. I wished it well as it transported my tummy chunks into the Pacific.
It’s Weird How My Friends With Kids Don’t Want Child-Rearing Advice From Someone Like Me Who Shudders At The Very Thought Of Having My Own Kids
Considering I have zero experience with raising kids — and especially since I don’t even like children very much — I guess it’s not so surprising. Still, I like to think the parenting-related tidbits I’ve gleaned from advice columns and podcasts that I randomly proclaim when their kids are acting up would help my friends in their child-rearing journeys. Alas, they do not. When I tell them my thoughts on the matter, they say shit like, “Do you want my advice on how to play the drums?” Alas, I do not. Sometimes people should really stay in their lane, you know?
The Indoor People Don’t Get To Have An Opinion About The Weather
I know a lot of people who spend their entire lives in temperature controlled environments. From offices to cars, they never actually experience anything related to the outdoors — unless they’re walking from one comfortable setting to the next. And they have the audacity to complain about the weather all the time. How does that make sense? They’ve spent maybe one percent of their cumulative lives outside, and as such, they don’t even have a large enough sample size to make an informed judgment. That would be like me having an opinion about sports or video games. I don’t know if I’ve ever said this, but sometimes people should really stay in their lane, you know?
Actually, Come To Think Of It, I Do Have An Opinion About Sports And Video Games
I am against them.
Aw Shit, Now I Know Why Indoor People Have An Opinion About The Weather
They’re against it. I suppose they would go outside if there wasn’t always a bunch of fucking weather afoot. I guess I need to issue an apology to the indoor people that I only very recently realized I should not be maligning. Sorry indoor dorks! I get it now.
Damn It, I Probably Shouldn’t Refer To Them As “Dorks” Either
They’re weather-intolerant. And the way climate change is rapidly affecting every aspect of daily life these days, we’re all going to be weather intolerant soon. So, I suppose they may have the last laugh after all. Then again, they’d be kind of jerky for laughing at the rest who are going to be having a bad time due to a hostile outside environment. And that isn’t cool. Who do these indoor folks think they are anyway?
I’m Sorry, I Didn’t Mean That. It’s Just That Sometimes When I Think About Global Warming, I Get All Distraught and Anxious And Then I Take It Out On Whomever I’m Talking To, And You Happened To Be There. So It’s Really My Problem, Not Yours. And Again, I Apologize For My Behavior. I Really Hope You Can Find It In Your Heart To Forgive Me.
Okay, that’s it. I’m done with this. I need to stop insulting the dregs of society so I don’t have to keep apologizing.
Oh Jeez, “Dregs” Isn’t Nice Either, Is It?
I’m going to go ahead and finish this month’s column the same way I started it, by asking myself, What the fuck is wrong with me?
Brian Polk is a Denver-based writer, publisher of The Yellow Rake, and drummer for Joy Subtraction and Simulators. He’s the author of Placement of Character and Turning Failure into Ideology. He likes writing, muck raking, yellow journalism, zines not blogs, cheap booze and punk rock.